The word ‘tarbiyyah’ means to nurture, rear or take care of a child until they become obedient and righteous. Parents are the most influential people in the life of their child, and therefore, this responsibility falls on them. One of the most important objectives of tarbiyyah is to nurture someone until they reach a stage whereby they can fulfil all their duties towards Allah (SWT) and live a practical life of a Muslim as demonstrated by the Prophet (SAW).

There are common mistakes that are made, however, by parents with their children. These must be avoided to the best of one’s ability, and include the following:

  • lying in front of children, or asking them to lie, for example, when the phone rings and you tell them to say that you are not there
  • not apologising to own’s own child after wronging them
  • using bad language in front of children (shouldn’t use bad language anyway!)
  • scaring children with imaginary creations such as monsters and the infamous jinn baba, because when they see these creations don’t exist, they will think of you as a liar and respect you less; rather, tell them that Allah will be displeased with them
  • giving preference to one child over another, such as telling them his or her sibling is better than them because they did better in exams and so on; only subtle or gentle comparisons should be made
  • not correcting a child’s mistakes immediately
  • not praising and rewarding a child as they should be when they do good, to encourage them to keep doing good and being even better
  • belittling and demeaning children, for example comparing their lesser achievements to your greater achievements
  • teaching them nationalism/racism
  • shouting at them and hitting them as a means of showing your strength over them; this will lose you respect in their eyes
  • always being strict with children rather than having a playful and loving relationship and praising them, there is nothing wrong with making your children laugh and feel happy
  • working for long periods and being absent, not giving them the time they deserve
  • mocking or correcting them in front of others, unless the mistake was made in front of others in which case it may be acceptable to do so
  • unnecessary rebuking or unnecessary leniency towards children
  • not being sensitive to your children in times of adversity, such as when exam results are poorer than expected
  • not using the time of your children wisely; they will waste as much time as they can playing and messing about, as their parent/guardian it is your responsibility to utilise their time correctly
  • not playing with your children and making them happy in doing so
  • hitting excessively, it is allowed as per the opinion of the four great Imaams (though Imaam Malik has certain conditions); it should be relative to the mistake, never on the face or sensitive area and a warning should be given the first time such as “if you do this again you will get a smack!” and if they then persist with the mistake at a later date, give them the reason as to why you are going to hit them; never hit out of anger! always maintain calm and control

Tarbiyyah requires wisdom, may Allah grant us the necessary wisdom to raise our children correctly following the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (salAllahu alayhi wa sallam), aameen!

Notes taken at a lecture delivered by Sheikh Saalih al-Sadlaan at Green Lane Masjid Winter Conference 2012